Glenn Cochrane: Ideas to help bring back the workplace nap

I have had many inquiries lately from friends and acquaintances as to the health of Sturdy Gert McCurdy, and I am pleased to say that, while I don’t have much news about Sturdy, what I do have is mainly of an uplifting nature. She is off on an iceberg tour with her latest amatory conquest, an oatmeal therapist named Donavan Mellanby. I met him when the happy couple was in town recently while Donovan recuperated from injuries suffered during a slight disagreement with his loved one, and while I had difficulty understanding him, due to the battered condition of his head, he seemed happy enough as they started out on their return trip. I hope to hear from my old pal soon and I will pass along whatever news I have when it becomes available.

But now on to other news, and by ginger, I can tell you there is no shortage of interesting and informative tidbits.

A large crowd gathered recently at the shoreline to witness the annual return of the house cats from their winter quarters on the Toronto Islands. Ecstatic owners rushed forward to welcome their pets while brandishing their favourite toys and cushions but the felines clearly indicated that what they really wanted was food, drink and a chance to terrorize the family dog, so it is comforting to note that things quickly returned to normal.

In news concerning matters of a more athletic nature, I am pleased to report that plans are well underway for a croquet tournament to be held in September. The affair will be held on the park grounds near the Gardener’s Cottage which is only fitting since profits will be directed towards some aspect of the cottage operation.

Still in the Beach area, I completed a rewarding stroll recently along its sandy banks and I am pleased to report that all is well in the land of gulls, guys and girls. Insidious influences continue to be kept at bay in this delightful part of the city and may that ever be so.

I would like to take this occasion to say a few words in support of The Nap. This was a popular workplace custom back in more civilized times, but now it seems to have fallen into neglect and even disfavour. One of the few practitioners left are mothers of small children, who assert with great emotion that The Nap is not only good for their child’s health, but it also works wonders for the mother’s well-being.

The custom was very popular around the 1920s with the advent of the businessman’s lunch which featured meals of roast beef and mashed potatoes washed down by hogsheads of ale and lager. Extensive research on my part proved that such a lunch does indeed cause one to view things in a somewhat benevolent light, but it also reduces work output as the day wears on. The custom received a considerable boost during the Second World War when it was learned that Sir Winston Churchill frequently took time off from saving the world to have a little desk doze, but sadly, the custom once again appears to have fallen into disuse.

I realize that many of you out there will tell me that in these days of the open cubicles such a strategy is not feasible, but I have thought of a way to circumvent that as well. Just take a pair of old sun glasses and paste a pair of ersatz eyeballs on them. Then stand against a wall with your eyes closed. Fold your arms in front of you in the classic pose that tells your fellow workers not to bother you when you are thinking. Then set your silent buzzer for 15 minutes, place it in your shirt pocket and settle in for a quiet interlude and settle in to a stretch of hassle-free dozing.

Feel free to use this advice because I do not charge for my brainstorms.

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