Glenn Cochrane: Sturdy’s taken up piano

Sturdy Gert McCurdy is back in town after a lengthy visit to the far north and as usual she has many an intriguing story to tell.

Sturdy had been hired by a behavior consultant to take a group of 31 dental technicians up to her old stomping grounds so they could study the effect that extreme cold would have on their retinas. I do not know why dental technicians would be studying that particular subject but I am just smart enough not to ask her.

In any event, she told me over the course of a particularly tasty meal at Hangover Harry’s Bar and Grill that although she was paid a handsome fee to provide her expertise she didn’t really enjoy the experience.

“All they ever wanted to do was talk about their guns,” she complained, but I sensed there were other points of contention because she told me that although 31 tourists started out the trip with her, only 17 made the return journey.

After further conversation she confided that of the missing 14 men, 12 were still in hospital recovering from wounds inflicted after disputes with Sturdy over various matters, and two are simply unaccounted for. She told me with an inscrutable smile on her face that she doubted they would ever be seen again and I am just smart enough to know it could be harmful for my health if I were to press the matter so we moved on to other matters over the course of the meal.

She did tell me she has another love interest, a cardboard salesman whose name she has forgotten but she has promised to tell me what it is the minute she recalls it.

The rest of the evening passed without incident except for the very end, when my old pal broke three of the waiter’s ribs during a heated conversation over the bill. I somehow think there is no need to tell you who won that particular dispute but on the bright side I am pleased to report that the waiter is recovering quite nicely at his home where he is surrounded by loved ones.

Oh, I almost forgot that Sturdy is now busy learning how to play the piano and she seems to be progressing quite nicely, except for delays caused when she throws the instrument out the window because it won’t strike the chord she wants.

So now it is time for all of us to sit back and enjoy the various divertissements available for our listening and viewing pleasure at the many public parks that bless this community.

Unfortunately, none of them will bear the unmistakable stamp of Anne Butler who is retiring from a long and honorable career in all the aspects of what is fondly termed Show Biz.

I shall not list her accomplishments in her chosen profession because that will be chronicled elsewhere but I do want to say, on behalf of my wife Jean and I that we do wish Anne all the best in the years ahead. And no, I will not be surprised if she succumbed once again to the siren call of a profession she has graced so well for so long. So long. That’s a pretty good exit line now that I’ve a chance to take a look at it.

Before I sign off I would like to renew my campaign for a one-way system on the sidewalks in the Beach area. Under my plan, I propose that the sidewalks on the north side of Queen Street from Beech Avenue to Woodbine Avenue be made one way west. The south side of Queen from Woodbine Avenue should then be declared one way to Beech Avenue, thus creating an orderly pedestrian flow. This will eliminate random bumpings (though they can have their good side), and it should also cut down dramatically on the number of spilled ice cream cones that are a regular but unhappy occurrence along the thoroughfare.

I have been pushing for this action ever since I was almost run over by a three-year-old pedalling his tricycle at what I consider a dangerous rate of speed. This is just to serve notice that I have not given up my lonely campaign and I shall keep you informed of any new developments as they occur.

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